Okay, so by popular request I have been asked to post some of The Office Zoo animal types. Since it is coming up to Christmas and you may well need a ‘Secret Santa Gift’ to bemuse your work colleagues then this should entertain. Please share with all who will be amused, bemused or confused.
The Office Stinker There is usually at least one Office Stinker. No one likes to say anything in case they offend the stench-originating party. So why is it okay for this stench-emitting individual to offend everyone’s nostrils on a daily basis? The aroma of rotten sprouts, body odour and general death fills the air and everyone tolerates it because they fear offending the stink-acious individual! Come on!!! Really? Instead of confronting the stink originator, everyone makes faces or discusses the rancid aroma in non-stink-infested locations around the office or in the toilet. The fact that people escape to a lavatory to avoid a stink may alert you that something has gone seriously wrong! Subtle hints do nothing to alert this individual to their insidious smog. A surround of air-freshener plug-ins will not change the awkward truth – this person stinks!
In all honesty, someone should provide the stinker with the truth that something horrible is taking place around them or being discharged from them. That courageous someone (who is kind and honest – the office straight down the line/give it between the eyes) needs to deliver the news politely. ‘Please Office Stinker wash your undercarriage/smell-emitting orifices or leave!’
Through careful observation, I have noticed there seems to be two factions of Office Stinker: There are those who do not wash properly or at all. They have a tendency to violate nostrils on a continual basis and over a time-period. You know when they are in the office because there is a waft of rancid bodily odour with a hint of sour garlic. Strangely they appear completely unaware of how bad they smell, yet have not worked out that shower gel and water applied to one’s body on a daily basis increases the number of people who talk to them. What’s more, greasy hair slicked to ones face can be transformed by using shampoo, a beautiful luxury that makes one’s hair clean and shiny! The other benefit is that one can flick one’s hair without experiencing a soggy slap to the face.
The Office Stinker unfortunately never recognised the above body cleaning revelations; instead, those poor blighters who sit in close proximity become accustomed to such a smog, stuff tissue up their nostrils or wear scarves to cover their noses. Appearing like a bandit on a daily basis does not do much for one’s self-esteem or provide the ‘bandity’ individual with a bonus. In truth, this violation to human nasal rights is not fair! Those harassed by nasal invasion dream about an allocated stinker’s desk located outside the building or on a remote island so that fellow workers can concentrate rather than gag! The other kind of Office Stinker, known as the Office Blow Off, is usually a man who aggressively passes wind at people. He can threaten, bully or hold hostage using intestinal gas proliferation. This person is cruel; they know the power of the stink and use that power. Personally, I really have an issue with this kind of person. An example of this character was a rather flatulent chap who actually threatened other employees with his bottom. One time he demanded a biscuit from his colleague by threatening him with a fart. It is not fair but there is usually at least one bottom-stinker type. The female version is the Office-Silent-But-Deadly. You would never know that deliberate whiff was her because she is so sweet looking. What’s more, she has a tendency to leave little love puffs surreptitiously about the office. She never does it close to where she sits because that way she can get away with it. This woman has a stinking strategy and is dis–stink-ly aware of her flatulent issues. What’s more, she masks her stealthy stink by appearing overly cheerful, you know she really finds it hilarious that her love puffs are distracting someone from their work.
Something worth being aware of is that if there are two stinkers in the same office, you are most definitely unlucky… There is also a rule of averages where if an office has more than one stinker, then another office has none. If you believe there is no Office Stinker in your office then you must ask yourself a very dark question: are you the Office Stinker?
Lesson – it takes courage and the learning of the ancient art of nasal attack resistance. When delivering the hideous news to an Office Stinker breathe through your mouth and focus on the outcome of fresh air in the office. When confronting the Office Blow Off – look them directly in the eyes and tell them that the team has had enough of their posterial antics (all the while be prepared to run or bat off any potential of an arse attack!)
The Audible version had me in hysterics. Here is a sample: