As I mentioned on the previous blog: by request here is another office zoo type. If you are looking for a secret santa gift to amuse, bemuse or confuse your colleagues then here you go. Also if you fancy a little bit of general office entertainment then here is the Office Feeder for you. Please share this with all of your colleagues.
The Office Feeder
Cake boosts moral, cake is comfort and at any opportunity people bring cake into the office. There is a cake for all occasions – cake for birthdays, a wedding, a promotion, a leaving do or just a general celebration of cake with cake. Someone farts and someone suggests a cake to celebrate. That is just how office life works. With this in mind, where is the best place to have a feeder? If cake keeps morale up – what better way to be the source of that morale by providing cake? The Office Feeder’s cantankerous cake creations provide her with endless adoration, approval and appreciation. What’s more, she will keep the gym in business as people attempt to cake-offset on the treadmill.
The Office Feeder is usually a buxom sort who likes to bake and see people happy. She has a husband suffering from extreme cholesterol levels. He needs a forklift truck to lift him from the bed in the morning. The unfortunate truth is for her husband to survive, the Feeder has to turn her attention elsewhere and feed teams instead. In the back of her mind she knows if her humongous hubby tips the scales any further then widow-dom looms.
With an atmosphere reminiscent to a farmer’s wife who has planted one too many pumpkins, her cake feeding has a precise weight-gain plan. Those skinny waifs in the office will be tempted. She could advertise the anti-thesis of a diet – from firm to fat in ten weeks! A new diet fad – or fat. The thing is the Office Feeder gets away with it because she is jovial, friendly and very persuasive. The Office Feeder wants her fellow office women to grow fat to make her feel better. Her punchlines are ‘Life is too short not to.’ ‘Well it is only one.’ ‘I wouldn’t want you to miss out.’ ‘Oh treat yourself…’
The Office Feeder is very persuasive and worst of all she is the Office Dieter’s main saboteur. She has a natural talent for determining who is on a diet and searches them out with the next calorific brownie. The sludgy bottom brigade will try to resist by saying ‘Oh I can’t – Oh I already ate…’ They will finally give in to the mesmerising smile and the fear that all the cakes will go.
They will find themselves in a trance and muttering ‘Oh go on then… just a little bit.’ They will take one bite and that will be it – all resistance has gone. They may as well apply that beautiful cake straight to their posteriors as they jam their ever-expanding behinds into the chair. If you are very aware, you might notice that the Office Hotty and the Office Fitness Fanatic have the willpower of steel. They can resist her charms. While many grow in girth over the years through cake consumption, the Hotty and the Fanatic will survive.
Learning: if you are clever, you can use the Office Greedy as the first line of attack and send them in to wipe out the cake before it reaches you. It just depends how svelte you wish to remain and whether you love cake or not.
HERE IS THE AUDIO SAMPLE…