THE PHANTOM BLOW OFF
A blow off is not pleasant in any sense of the word. It just isn’t. People always find their own creations funny and others are generally repulsed; however, there is a breed of person who is purposeful with their flatulence. Honestly I have never witnessed so many noises that sounded as though a duck had been trodden on, squashed or kicked as I have on cruise ships. Obviously the rich food and the increased food intake has an effect on the most resilient intestine. Yet there is a common ‘Cruise Ship Creature’ who will go and blow off in a lift knowing that people on the other decks will walk into that monstrosity at full fruition. Another phantom farter would walk through the bridge class when they were in full concentration; pass wind and pass on. There were occasions when the cinema was at full capacity; he would lurk at the back, wait for the film to start and then make a stink and disappear. The ‘Phantom Blow Off’ would wait for the Captain’s Welcome Aboard Party and as the people were happily gathered, create a love puff and then float away. Just when the Captain came to a joke delivery the crowd were gagging on the stench.
The Officers on the ship became very aware of the phantom because some of us worked in offices which were shielded from the corridor by a curtain. There were times that the phantom slightly opened the curtain, blew off into the office and then left the workers in the confined space to deal with the atmospheric repercussions. A couple of times I was alerted to his presence because I heard a strange duck squashing sound. As soon as I dashed towards the curtain, he was gone. I discussed the issue with the Security team because I felt that it was a criminal act to confine people in a space and pass wind at them. I wanted the phantom disembarked. The Security team took the issue seriously and made investigations; however, the bugger was clever and we could not tell who he was. He had figured out how to merge with the crowd, drop a methane bomb and leave without detection. He was a master at his fart and his skill at being a phantom was extraordinary. He always left undetected.
Now before people consider the fact I reference a chap being stink sexism. There was a very glamorous woman who wasn’t quite a phantom because her dastardly stink escapades were discovered. Admittedly her disguise was quite astounding. You would never have believed that a woman who wore so many sequins on formal night, or had hair so immaculately arranged could create a destructive smog that trail blazed behind her. To make it worse her smooth-stinkaceous move was on the dance floor. As she flitted about in the arms of a gentleman host numerous little gifts would be shared for the other dancers to inhale. One couple doubled over as they coughed after a surprise waft caught them completely off-guard. It just goes to show you can’t judge a book by its cover and you can’t judge a glamorous ‘Cruise Ship Creature’ by beautiful attire when a stench lurks beneath the sequin-clad ballgown.