That Refund You Owe Me – False Teeth

Hello Elizabeth Hotel,
Did you miss me? Ohhhh go on… You did didn’t you? I bet you thought ahhh all those amazing emails covering so many subjects. All that talk of Italian Salami, Naked Sleep Walking and Deep Breathing and then silence…. There is reason for that…


Have you noticed it is hard to talk during dental hygiene appointments? Please tell me you have dental hygiene appointments. You shouldn’t be breathy with your guests – it wouldn’t be right would it? That is an unspoken customer service.

Have you ever had that moment when you realise someone’s breath smells like a flatulent gorilla’s intestines? Or maybe one of your colleagues has had breath that resembles a skunk’s anus. Is isn’t pleasant is it? That is why I suggest visiting a decent dental hygenist and as a preventive oral abomination I make sure I visit her regularly. It is good to help maintain friendship, professionalism and stops people retching when you breathe on them. Admittedly the world wearing face masks will stop sharing bad breath and make people resemble dentists, but that is just a very strange sign of our times…


Anyway, the reason I did not email you yesterday regarding the refund you owe me, and promised me, is down to the fact I was making my teeth very happy through de-plaquing them. A luxury that was not allowed during lockdown.
Of course the teeth luxuriation got me thinking about hotels and false teeth. A lot of people displace their teeth. It quite often happened on cruise ships. I wrote about it in Cruise Ship Creatures when the crew had to hunt for some lost false teeth. They turned up in a plant pot. When they were presented to the guest it turned out they were not theirs. That meant there were other people losing false teeth all over the ship… Imagine, well you probably can. Your lost property is most likely filled with international false teeth.


I wonder where the strangest place your hotel found a pair of false teeth was? I tried to imagine whether a pair ever turned up in an elaborate cocktail at the bar or in the pincers of a lobster at a restaurant. Imagine a romantic moment where someone is about to propose, they get down on one knee and find a pair of false teeth under the table. That could be a distraction couldn’t it? Then I heard a story about a pair of false teeth being left on a chair and someone sitting on them so they essentially bit the unsuspecting victim on the arse…

Anyway I am sure we are all smiles at the moment, unless you lost your false teeth, although the truth is you still owe me the refund you promised me. It is quite amazing how many people know about your despicable escapades: close to ten thousand people are already aware and I will soon have enough of these lovely letters to publish a book. When it is published I will send you some copies. I might even do a book signing outside the hotel. How funny.
Anyway, in the meantime I look forward to that refund you owe me arriving in my bank very soon…
Michelle Dry


Click here for the link to Cruise Ship Creatures on



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