DISTRACT, REACT – A SMELL OF WET CAT
‘Look who we found wandering around the Pongatory,’ said Mildred and Bertie escorting John, Dianne and Auntie Joanna into the dining room. The group were surrounded by Gross Grunters who all appeared terribly annoyed.
Sebastian quickly hid the key in the inside of his pocket.
‘Mum, dad… Auntie Joanna,’ Josh cried with excitement… ‘Flush tune worked?’
John nodded and sighed as he glanced back at Josh.
‘I should have guessed,’ said Sebastian. ‘You gave yourself away Tingle. You folded your clothes on the chair. The night before they were arranged over the back of the chair. You always need attention to detail. Now what fascinates me is that you could have all made an escape. Or tried to stop the Stinkathon. Why didn’t you?’ he asked. He gestured at the table for the group to take a seat.
‘You can have trifle for breakfast,’ Tingle said waving at the table filled with food.
The adults glanced at the trifle and grinned. Auntie Joanna stepped forwards. ‘Hello Sebastian, I have heard a lot about you. I am Jo. This is my sister Dianne and her husband John. Well Tingle told us you are not a proper baddy and that dogs will still wag their tails. Isn’t that reason enough to stay?’
‘It seems tail wagging is very important in the big scheme of things,’ said Sebastian glancing at Tingle who was nodding.
Josh waved Dino.
‘Hello Sebastian, in all honesty we didn’t have time to come up with a proper plan to stop you. Mildred kept stinking us out which knocked us out. So rather than put all our effort into blocking your stink, we thought we would make an escape instead,’ Dianne said considering having a nice bit of trifle.
Sebastian gestured for her to help herself. ‘Well just so you know – you can’t stop me… It’s too late. The stink build up is in progress and even if I am removed then the stench will still go down in history as the Supreme Stench anyway.’ He smoothed his hair again and looked rather pleased with himself.
‘Sebastian this is not a trick. We really don’t intend to stop you. There is nothing like a huge stink for people to appreciate fresh air,’ said Auntie Joanna. ‘It is probably what the world needs to be honest.’
Sebastian appeared suspicious. ‘You are trying to lull me into a false sense of security.’
Auntie Joanna shook her head, ‘No point really. As you said it is going to happen anyway. We would rather be here than in the stink. We have already been on the receiving end of some absolutely awful smells. Although we have realised there is something bigger afoot here because we have had time to figure a few things out… We have questions.’
Sebastian quickly stood up, ‘Oh you are clever! You are trying to distract me… Right… It is eight o’clock, Stinkers take your places. You know what to do… Pongalong-a-ding dong time!’ With that, he lifted his magic staff into the air and waved it. Numerous glowing clouds filled the air and showed a picture of each of the cities around the world. The Wiley Wafters drifted across the ceiling and gathered around the portals.
‘Wow!’ cried Tingle.
‘Cool,’ said Josh.
‘That is better than any television,’ said John. ‘Even my big widescreen.’ He paused and glanced over at Sebastian. ‘Erm… Sebastian when this stink thing is over can we have a chat about how we get one of these in my front room?’
Sebastian smirked, he realised the group actually weren’t going to try and stop him.
‘Are you ready?’ Sebastian stood up and skipped towards the dancefloor. ‘Are you steady?’
There was excitement amongst all of the Little Stinkers who had gathered. They all looked like they were about to take part in a race.
‘All of the Stinkers worldwide… I know you can hear me… It is Sebastian Stinkworthy, the Supreme Stench. The time has come… On the count of three… begin the pong release!’
‘One…’ He did a little dance.
‘Two!’ he said with a jiggle.
‘Three…’ He lifted his arms to the sky and made a proper baddy laugh.
‘Let the stink begin and become the greatest stench ever known to mankind,’ he cried.
Tingle watched Bertie curiously, he seemed relieved and smiled mysteriously to himself.
‘Oh and are you ready for true magic?’ Sebastian asked Tingle’s parents.
The pair shrugged. Did they have a choice?
‘Well I have refined my magic and can broadcast to everyone in the world. They will soon learn about the Little Stinkers.’ He sounded proud and grinned mischievously. ‘Right it is time for the Stinktacular! ‘Boooom!’’ He waved his staff in circles until a vortex of light spun like a whirlwind. A moment later all of the televisions worldwide were hijacked and revealed a series of small creatures lined up on screen. The world stopped what it was doing as a variety of Little Stinkers appeared on every screen, on every broadcasting channel, including phones, televisions and tablets. Sebastian’s voice was heard like a sports commentator but he was not seen. Tingle found that curious because he was wearing such a special outfit.
There wasn’t much time to think because Sebastian was already carried away. ‘Hello world!’ he cried. ‘Now you may wonder what is going on… Well you will find out through the beauty of dance and song. With that in mind, I present to you, the world, an Odorous Opera or a Symphony of Stink… I like both names… So… on the count of three… One, two and… THREE,’ he cried skipping about the dancefloor.
The funny little animals squeaked and grunted their approval. All the while the world population stared at their screens in disbelief, they had just seen something so odd that made them laugh.
All the Hippobottymouses wobbled onto the dancefloor and lined up with their bottoms poised with one cheek higher than the other. ‘La la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….’ They waved their bottoms in time and began to sing in a deep baritone… ‘Laaaa la laaaaaaaaaaaaa. la la laaaaaaaaaaaa. Bottomy bonanza an extravaganza… La laaaaa laaaa.’
The Sneaky Squeakies lined up next to them and joined in. Sebastian swished his cape and glanced at Tingle’s family. They had taken seats and were watching with looks of utter amazement on their faces.
‘What you see taking place in here is also happening outside. There are millions of them all over the world,’ Sebastian cried triumphantly.
‘Squeaky, squeaky oh so sneaky! La la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ The Sneaky Squeakies sounded extremely squeaky in comparison to the Hippobottymouses’ deep tones. The Sneaky Squeakies flapped their fur wings and sang as loudly as they could in their small, cute and rodent-like way. ‘La la laaaaaa Sneaky Squeaky and oh so freaky la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ The Sneaky Squeakies moved in a wriggly manner and at the same time and grinned. The people watching their phones while commuting began to laugh.
Next the Pump-kins, with heads like beavers and big teeth, rose into the air. They undulated through space with long worm-like tentacles. With every propulsion a small Pump-kin blasted into the air and evaporated leaving what looked like a trail of ink with a very sharp stink… ‘Whooosh, whoosh, woooosh with a Pump-kin push la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ It was as if a whole shoal of jellyfish with beaver heads undulated past in a harmony of inky bad smells. At the same time Pump-kins took to the air and pelted with Pump-kin pellets.
‘Pizazz!’ Sebastian whispered under his breath and flicking his fingers out from his palms.
‘With more flow our stink can grow la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ The Pump-kins made a full circle of the dancefloor and propelled themselves back to the centre of the room.
A moment later some slimy creatures, with sloth faces and dragon’s bodies, oozed to the centre of the room and began to drool.
John didn’t like them one bit, ‘What are those?’ he whispered to his wife.
‘I think those are the Dastardly Droolers,’ she replied.
The Drooler’s voices where quite slithery and whispery. ‘With a slither and a slime we create stinking crimes… La laaaaaaaaaaaaaa! La laaaaa, Using our drool we create the perfect pongy pool la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’
Sebastian burst with excitement as a mass of rolling armadillo-like creatures bowled in formation to perform. There was a united clicking sound as they unfurled. It was timed perfectly. They all rose simultaneously and the new beat began. At the same time, the Tangy Twerpers rolled around the cities of the outside world in clusters.
Josh stood on his chair and could not help but dance. The armadillo unfurling made the rest of the room create a stomping sound like a drum beat. A moment later a trumpet sounded from each of the Tangy Twerper’s trunks…. ‘Tang-a-lang a stink we will make you blink la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Tang-a-lang-a henge we seek stink revenge la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.’
Sebastian made a clap of delight. With another theatrical spin, he waved at the room. The Warblers launched and landed with a huge squelch. Their frog heads grinned as they expanded their lovely big throaty bubbles. They made it very clear they were warble ready by waiting with their expanded wonderful warblers at full capacity. With one more leap their reptile bodies lifted using their dragon-fly wings. When they landed they made a proper ‘Squishhhhhhhhhhhhhh!’ sound, which was all part of the show. The Warblers lined up with their great bubbly throats that looked like they had all grown giant bubble gum bubbles in their necks. After three seconds they gurgled and popped together until they reached a high-pitched warble. ‘With a gurgle and a pop no stink will stop… La la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! With a squelch and a squish the smell of rotting fish la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.’
Sebastian swam around the dancefloor making his best goldfish impression. Josh giggled.
‘Warble, warble, belch and bubble our bad smell will cause whiffy trouble… La laaa laaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ The Whiff Warblers warbled together and looked very proud of themselves.
Next the Dancey Doom Dunkers made the room fall silent when the creatures, with eight legs, side danced onto the dancefloor. As they arrived another beat filled the room and together they all made a drumming sound. Their bodies were more ornately decorated than usual and were covered in glass beads made up of beautiful patterns. Each Doom Dunker was a different colour: from rose to lilac and even light mint green. Their very cute heads with large, dark shiny eyes appeared eager. They formed a circle and began to tap four of their legs to the beat, and the rest of their legs were used to dance. They lifted their four arms to look like cactus arms as they prepared to sing. When they were ready their four arms waved in time as they made a long harmonious ‘Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo’ sound, each with a different tone. ‘Dooooooooooooooooooooooom oh dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.’
‘It’s so funky and so doom dunky… La laaa laaaa.’ It was short, it was sweet and it was neat!
The room clapped enthusiastically as the very Gross Grunters, with their straining faces, took to the dancefloor. They weren’t the most excitable bunch, yet they had strong voices and were going to give the performance some welly! ‘Laaaaa Laaaaa laaaa – one gross guff and you have had enough la la laaaa,’ they sang in gruff voices that sounded terribly grouchy. ‘It can be tough when you smell a giant guff… La la laaaa laaaa.’ The very Gross Grunters, with their straining faces, appeared to relax and looked relieved.
Before the Gross Grunters could return to looking extremely grumpy the Smog Sprouters waddled to the centre of the dancefloor with their flappy penguin bodies and husky heads.
‘Time to make a pong for a stinkathon… La la laaa.’ Slapping the ground with their wings they all circled. ‘Before we start we make stink an art la la laaaaaaaaaaa!’
Sebastian glanced around, there was one particular creature he had been waiting for. Finally a line of duck-billed-splatter-pus plopped along. They travelled low to the ground with their duck-like beaks and chunky little bodies. As they propelled themselves along on their bellies lots of bubbles erupted from their bottoms.
‘With a bubble and a pop we can’t make our bottoms stop… La La laaaaaa.’ The duck-billed-splatter-pus all spun on their bellies in formation and a stream of bubbles rose into the air like bubble-whirling tornados. ‘When you see a bottom bubble it’s a sign of pongy trouble. La La Laaaaa…’ The duck-billed-splatter-pus rotated the other way and another flurry of bubbles rose to the ceiling. ‘All the way from the deep… our bottom bubbles will make you weep! La la laaaaaa!’
With that the duck-billed-splatter-pus climbed on one another to form a pyramid. As they did so, all of their bottom bubbles merged into one huge wobbling bubble that rose to the ceiling. The duck-billed-splatter-pus all dismounted and made way for the final group of Little Stinkers.
‘Uh oh,’ whispered Josh realising the potential horror if that huge bubble burst.
Tingle glanced at Sebastian, she hoped that bubble wouldn’t pop too.
For the final finale all of the Reeky Cheekies lined up. They all gazed innocently into the portals. For a moment they each shook and then one by one blasted into the air like rockets. After intense shaking, green smoke shot out of their behinds.
‘They didn’t sing,’ said Josh.
‘I don’t think they need to,’ replied Tingle watching all the creatures blasting through the air.
Sebastian jumped with excitement and turned to the table and whispered. ‘Time for the raspberry rhapsody. I came up with it all by myself! Oh it was fun. It had me belly laughing!’ he exclaimed.
A harmony of raspberries reverberated around the room to another raspberry beat.
Sebastian nodded and appeared very pleased as the raspberry volume increased.
‘Thwaaarrrp, thwarrrp…THWARRRRP!’ The raspberry rhapsody sounded as though hundreds of people were squashing whoopee cushions all at the same time.
Both Josh and Tingle covered their mouths and shook with laughter when they saw their parents’ reaction. The sound was so funny yet weird. As the tune continued it became so rhythmic that it made Tingle and Josh jiggle to the beat.
‘Now for the chorus…and the chorus is…’ whispered Sebastian.
‘The chorus is very funny,’ whispered Josh.
Half of the creatures continued the Harmony of Raspberries while the rest of the Little Stinkers prepared to sing.
‘Laa la Laaaaaaaaaaa
We made a pong because of your song
To seek revenge after so long…
La laaaaaa la laaaa
When the stink has come and you wonder why
It’s because you made an innocent cry…
La laaaaaa la laaaa
Now the time has come for the greatest stink
To accuse an innocent will make you think
La laaaaaa la laaaa.
The Little Stinkers, like chameleons, emerged from the walls. ‘And the time has come… for a stink so great… A whiffy world will be its fate… We did warn you but it’s too late… Are you ready for the pong-filled-state?’ With that the Little Stinkers reversed back and blended into anything they made contact with. ‘La La Laaaaaaaaaaa!’
Sebastian Stinkworthy skipped and danced around swishing his cape with an expression of sheer joy.
‘It is time for the harmony of gurgles, warbles, raspberries and squelches…’ he cried gesturing to the adults to watch the finale. With that, all the stink creatures took their positions. Some squelched, others gurgled in harmony until the group reached a crescendo and a moment of silence. Sebastian swished his cape, bowed and then clapped all the Little Stinkers!
‘Beautiful… Absolutely beautiful! Well done! We are ready! The question is – is the world ready?’
There was a pause which was broken by an almighty ‘Thwarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!’ The loudest raspberry you could imagine sounded through the hall and then…
Sebastian made his way over to Josh and Tingle. ‘Pongle is out at Trafalgar Square with his parpsichord. We always have a back-up PARPER and Parpsichord here – just in case. The other one was kept beneath the fountain for the ultimate PARP delivery! Remember we will release the stink according to each musical raspberry note. Oh what a beautiful moment to behold…’ cried Sebastian raising his arms. He had forgotten that the world could hear his voice, but that didn’t matter.
‘Then we will let them all go, after years and years of refining the perfect pongs, stenches, smells, whiffs, niffs and guffs. The greatest international stink the world has ever known will come to full fruition.’ He paused once more. ‘Now for my favourite part…’
The world watched the strange show and laughed at the funny creatures dancing.
‘Now allow me to introduce Pongle…’ Sebastian said like a documentary narrator.
Out in Trafalgar Square, the stone lions roared and the fountain opened to reveal what looked like a piano, or harpsichord with a creature that looked like a monkey with a long white moustache. Pongle wore a lovely dark blue tuxedo with long tails. What’s more, his lovely long white moustache actually reached his waist. What made him quirkier was that he had large white bushy eyebrows to match. He stood proudly by his musical instrument that looked like it was the most beautifully decorated silver embossed piano, which was actually the Parpsichord of Honking Horror. The ornate creation rose out of the fountain which placed them at the centre of Trafalgar Square.
Pongle, the Parpsichord Player, stood in front of the stool before the parpsichord and arranged his tuxedo tails so that he was comfortable before sitting down.
‘Pongle, our Master Parp Player, is going to play the parpsichord. He will be accompanied by Janella, who is the most remarkable odorous operatic of all the Little Stinkers.’ As Sebastian announced Janella she jetted up on a spout of water. Janella, a honey of Hippobottymous, posed in a red sequinned dress with her hair arranged in the most fabulous wave of ruby-red curls. She smiled jubilantly, brushed herself down and took her place beside Pongle. The tourists in Trafalgar Square came to a standstill and frowned at the two strange looking creatures. Pongle stretched his arms, wriggled his fingers and prepared to play. Janella took a deep breath and burst into opera. The sound that came from her was breath-taking, as Pongle pressed the first key and a raspberry sound played. ‘Thwarrrrp!’ The tourists in Trafalgar Square formed a circle around the fountain. When the raspberry sounded they were shocked and began to laugh and point. Janella remained immersed in her song accompanied by numerous raspberries from the parpsichord. ‘Thwarrrp, thwarrrp! Thwarpity- thwarp!’
After a few minutes the first aromas began to rise. With every parpsichord note, another stink, whiff or smell was released. The Thames began to bubble as the duck-billed-splatter-pus released all the stink bubbles that had festered. At the same time numerous pigeons dropped their allocated pongs all over the world and the Little Stinkers freed all of the festering fragrances that had been waiting underground every city. The Danube, the Hudson River, in fact every river in every city worldwide, released a stench so bad that people froze, grabbed their noses and went into a state of shock. In people’s basements and lofts, every kind of stink that had been created over the last couple of hundred years came to fruition. It was a monstrosity!
Sebastian watched the whole thing unfurl and seemed a little distant. Auntie Joanna watched him, with a sense of knowing, she had a plan. All the while the stench rose Janella operatically sang and made her final beautiful crescendo until Big Ben struck midday and rather than bong there was a huge raspberry that went ‘Thwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarp!’
‘Release the Waftness Monsters!’ Sebastian cried. A huge smog, in the shape of a large dinosaur writhed in from the sky and settled onto every major city worldwide.
At the same time the stink holes opened and revealed rancid stinks. ‘Pongs-away!!!’ Sebastian shrilled. Every possible stink combination rose into the world all at the same time.
‘Detonate the sprouts!’ An eruption of green smog blasted from every drain around the world. ‘Free the juice of skunk stink!’ All over the world skunk juice stink rained down from lamp posts. ‘Now the final part of the song…’ Sebastian cried with absolute joy.
The Little Stinkers took deep breaths and stood up tall.
‘Oh what a stink… will make you think…
After such time a stinking crime…
Especially made for you…
A stench and a smell will make you feel unwell…
Horrible whiffs that make stiff are suddenly very free!’
Sebastian lifted his hands into the air… ‘Too much – is it too much? No… The final line…’
The Little Stinkers all prepared to sing a different note to enable a harmony…
PONG! – A – LONG- A –POOOOOOOO – FROM ME… TO YOU!’
Sebastian glanced at his silver pocket watch. ‘Perfect!’ All of the clocks in all of the cities blew huge raspberries and then each of the magical pockets began to dissolve. In the final moments Janella and Pongle were surrounded by the Trafalgar Square lions who roared at any onlookers who tried to get close or take a selfie. Once they reached silence, Janella and Pongle took a bow. Only a few tourists clapped because they were covering their noses, but that was fine. Pongle closed the parpsichord lid to cover the keys. At the same time, the fountain water reached out like a hand and picked up Pongle, the parpsichord and Janella, and carried them back down through the fountain to the Waftness Pumping Station. There was a stunned silence worldwide. What had just happened?
When it was all over Josh began to clap. All of the Little Stinkers whooped and cheered in celebration. A moment later they erupted into a celebratory dance.
Sebastian made a loud sigh, bowed and sat down on his seat.
‘Well done!’ cried Mildred. ‘It was everything you have ever dreamed of and more!’
‘The sprout detonation was quite something!’ Bertie said with an approving nod.
There was a drawn out silence. Sebastian fidgeted as he sighed again and again. He looked completely deflated, as if he were a whoopee cushion whose raspberry had been stolen.
‘Mister Sebastian what happens now?’ Tingle asked watching Sebastian spin his staff thoughtfully.
Sebastian shrugged, ‘I don’t really know. The stench is designed to last ten years.’
‘Ten years!’ cried Tingle and Josh in unison.
‘Ten years!’ said John.
Bertie began to clap and stepped forwards. ‘Thank you Sebastian. You now have the world at our mercy!’
Sebastian glanced suspiciously at Bertie. What on earth did he mean? ‘Our mercy?’