DOGS STILL WAGGED THEIR TAILS
Waking up to an international stink was not fair on anyone. Even though dogs still wagged their tails, their owners did not want to leave their houses to walk them. Nobody wanted to do anything, especially not eat. Everyone phoned in sick for work, children did not want to go to school and everyone laid in bed looking very sad. The problem was no one knew when that awful smell would end and the thought that such a stench could go on for years was enough to make everyone in the whole world miserable.
Back in the Pongatory Sebastian peered through one of his magic portals and sighed. He turned to the Little Stinkers, Tingle and Josh and the rest of the family. ‘Tingle was right. I needed to see how bad smells affect people. I did live out my revenge but now I need to put it right… Let’s reverse the process and put on a show!’ he said with a glint in his eye. ‘Oh and Josh, I like the giant magical hoover into balloons ideas… Are you ready?’
With that, he waved his staff and televisions sprung to life… ‘Now my worldie whiffers… You now know the power of pong. It doesn’t make a person happy does it? Those sneaky little stinks you make… aren’t so funny now are they?’
Tingle glanced at Josh, was Sebastian trying to make people think they were being punished for making bad smells?
Josh giggled at Sebastian who was trying not to laugh as he talked. ‘Those people that make bad smells in offices, in beds, in lifts or into relatives faces when they least expect it… It is a little less amusing now isn’t it? This massive stench will make you think again because all those nasty niffs have been collected and released as one supreme stench. This could have lasted ten years, but we have taken pity on you! So as with the delivery, we will withdraw the stench and fresh air will return. From now on, I suggest you do everything to maintain fresh air. If you could all plant ten trees a year worldwide then that would make a difference.’
Josh clapped and Dianne gave Josh a cuddle. It seemed that Sebastian was happier making the air clean than creating the stink.
With a look of eagerness Sebastian rubbed his hands together and picked up his staff. He appeared contemplative as he considered the best approach. ‘So to reverse the stink we need to do everything backwards, including the order of the show. Realising he had left the world hanging in a honking hum Sebastian returned to being the voice of the commentator and gestured for the Little Stinkers to line up once more for the world to witness their guff-filled-genius.
‘So for your entertainment… Gracing the world for one last time – I give you the Little Stinkers, the parpsichord and Janella the Odour Opera-ess! This time it will be in reverse!’
Josh clapped as he tried to imagine how that would work. Tingle frowned as she attempted to figure it out. There was no point because Sebastian began to jiggle with excitement. ‘Now allow me to introduce Pongle…’ Sebastian said once more. Out in Trafalgar Square, the stone lions roared and the fountain opened to reveal the parpsichord. Pongle, the monkey-like creature, with his flowing white moustache and bushy white eyebrows. This time he wore a lovely red tuxedo and that made his lovely long white moustache stand out. With a flip of his suit tails he waved and bowed to Trafalgar Square. Unfortunately it was completely empty due to an aroma that smelled like manky cheese combined with dog’s breath after eating tripe. Still, he proudly stood by the Parpsichord of Honking Horror that cleverly resembled the most beautifully decorated silver embossed piano. Pongle, side-stepped to his parpsichord stool and arranged his tuxedo tails so that he was comfortable before sitting down.
‘Pongle, our Master Parp Player, is going to play the parpsichord for one last time. He will be accompanied by Janella, the Little Stinker operatic genius who… is nowhere to be seen.’ As Sebastian announced Janella there was a pause while Sebastian considered Janella’s singing situation and her whereabouts. ‘Janella, this is your final odorous operatic opportunity – you must take it. Your international audience awaits. I know your diva antics are coming through but the world awaits your Hippobottymous harmonies.’ A moment later she elegantly jetted up on a spout of water. Janella, the radiant Hippobottymous, posed in a gold sequinned dress with her hair arranged in the most fabulous wave of plum-purple curls. She smiled jubilantly, made a bottomy wiggle to her position, brushed herself down and prepared to sing beside Pongle. The pair were professional, they intended to give their final performance some whiffing welly, even if there were no tourists in Trafalgar Square. No doubt the audience would be at home with tissues jammed up their noses as they witnessed whiff wonderment on television, on their mobiles and on their tablets.
As soon as Sebastian signalled, Pongle stretched his arms, wriggled his fingers and prepared to play. Janella took a deep breath and burst into an operatic melody. Her beautiful voice filled the air as Pongle pressed the first key on the parpsichord and a raspberry sound played backwards. It sounded like it was being sucked in. ‘PrrrraaawwwhT!’ Maintaining professionalism Janella remained immersed in her reverse song while she was accompanied by numerous raspberries from the parpsichord raspberrying backwards. ‘Prrrraaawwwh Tytipraht PrrrraaawwwhT!’
Sebastian frowned, he wanted to get the sequence right and glanced at Tingle and Josh.
‘The final part of the song…’ Tingle whispered.
‘Pong-along-a-poo part,’ Josh said waving Dino.
‘Ah yes… Little Stinkers… you know the drill!’ Sebastian cried. ‘Do that bit… Ready?’ Sebastian slicked his hair and concentrated. ‘Now the final part of the song…’ Sebastian cried with absolute joy.
The Little Stinkers took deep breaths and stood up tall.
‘Oh what a stink… will make you think…
After such time a stinking crime…
Especially made for you…
A stench and a smell makes you feel unwell
Horrible whiffs that make stiff are suddenly very free!’
Sebastian lifted his hands into the air… ‘Too much – is it too much? No… The final line…’
The Little Stinkers all prepared to sing a different note to enable a harmony…
‘PONG! – A – LONG- A –POOOOOOOO – FROM ME TO YOU!’
‘Wonderful!’ Sebastian spun full circle and his cape whipped through the air. ‘Now let’s see what happens when we make everything go backwards! What fun!’
The first phenomenon took place when the detonated sprouts retreated back into mini-green cabbages. The skunk juice stink rapidly dripped back up to the lampposts it had been hidden in. The reverse raspberries caused the Waftness Monsters to rise up from all of the cities around the world. With a roar, each of them flew up into the sky and blended with the clouds. All the remaining pea-souping smog rolled up, and giant sucky vacuum cleaners captured the stink and filled numerous balloons.
After a few minutes the first aromas began to descend and reverse backwards to their source. With every parpsichord note, another stink, whiff or smell was sucked back in. The Thames began to bubble as the duck-billed-splatter-pus inhaled all the stink bubbles that had been festering back into his bottom. There were a few quacks of surprise because they certainly hadn’t expected that! ‘KcauQ!’
At the same time numerous pigeons found themselves flying backwards again, which was quite an experience for them. Especially when all of their allocated pongs, from all over the world, rose back into their packaging and returned to their beaks. They then flew the smells backwards to the coast where they let the balloons go… Those balloons rose up into space and dissolved once they reached the edge of the sky.
The festering fragrances that the Little Stinkers had released, those that had previously been waiting in the underground, in every city, returned to their origin. All of the stink holes re-sealed themselves and the pongs that had been kept in hiding dissolved and dispersed.
The Danube, the Hudson River, in fact every river in every city worldwide, sucked its odour back to the origin. With those wondering whiffs dispersing, people began to relax, breathe through their noses once more and began to smile at the first trace of fresh air. It was a nostril relief beyond their dreams.
In people’s basements and lofts, every kind of stink that had been created over the last hundred years reversed back to its source to lay dormant. Sebastian watched the whole thing unfurl and seemed very proud of himself. Auntie Joanna watched him, with a sense of knowing. She could see that he had satisfaction watching the stench return to its source.
‘Those beautiful little mini-cabbages are such a wonderful stink phenomenon!’ Sebastian muttered in appreciation. ‘I wonder if I could create a special aftershave for men from them.’
All the while the stench returned, Janella operatically hummed until her final beautiful crescendo. She then rose into her highest pitch which tied in with the moment that Big Ben struck midday and rather than bong there was a huge inside-out raspberry. That went ‘PppprrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwhT!’ The sound itself was extremely strange and Tingle and Josh sniggered.
All the clocks, in all of the cities, blew huge backward raspberries and then each of the magical pong pockets began to rebuild and depart. Janella and Pongle were surrounded by the Trafalgar Square lions who roared their appreciation as they watched everything travelling backwards. Once that part of the Stinktacular in reverse was complete, Janella and Pongle took a bow and the lions made a roar in unison. No-one clapped, but that was fine – there was no one around because everyone was inside watching the weird happenings, either on the television or out of the window. To signify the stench reverse completion, Pongle closed the parpsichord lid to cover the parping musical keys. A moment later, the fountain reached out like a hand and picked up Pongle, the parpsichord and Janella and carried them back through the fountain to Waftness.
There was a pause as all of the Little Stinkers awaited direction. They looked to Sebastian Stinkworthy who could not help but appear pleased with himself. He kept doing a double-footed jump with a clap. The moment was broken by an almighty ‘PpprrrrrrraaawwwwhhhttT!’ The loudest backwards raspberry that Waftness had ever known. Sebastian jumped with shock, ‘Oh I forgot about that one!’ That backward raspberry sounded through the hall and then… Sebastian caught up with himself, took a deep breath and raised his hands in the air. ‘An opera of odour the wrong way on the count of one! Three, two and one!’ he cried skipping about on his podium.
The Sneaky Squeakies lined up and glanced at Sebastian, who swished his cape and glanced at Tingle’s family who watched with looks of utter astonishment on their faces. Since proceedings had to work backwards then that made them recedings and meant the pong song began or maybe ended at the start…
‘Now for the chorus…and the chorus is…’ whispered Sebastian.
‘The chorus is very funny,’ whispered Josh.
Half of the creatures continued the Harmony of Raspberry while the rest prepared to sing.
‘Laa la Laaaaaaaaaaa
We made a pong because of your song
To seek revenge after so long…
La laaaaaa la laaaa
When the stink has come and you wonder why
It’s because you made an innocent cry…
La laaaaaa la laaaa
Now the time has come for the greatest stink
To accuse an innocent will make you think
La laaaaaa la laaaa.’
The Little Stinkers, like chameleons emerged from the walls. ‘And the time has come… for a stink so great… A whiffy world will be its fate… We did warn you but it’s too late… Are you ready for the pong-filled-state?’ With that the Little Stinkers reversed back and blended into anything they made contact with.
Sebastian Stinkworthy skipped and danced around swishing his cape with an expression of sheer delight. ‘It is time for the harmony of gurgles, warbles, raspberries and squelches…’ he cried, gesturing to the whole stink gathering. With that, all the stink creatures took their positions. Some squelched, and others gurgled in harmony until the group reached a crescendo from a moment of silence.
Sebastian swished his cape, bowed and then clapped all of the Little Stinkers!
‘Beautiful… Absolutely beautiful! Well done! But that is not it!’ Sebastian jumped with excitement and turned to the table and whispered.
‘PPRRRAWWHTT! PprrraaahT and prrrawhtT!’ The reversing raspberry rhapsody sounded as though hundreds of people were sucking air back into whoopee cushions at the same time. A harmony of reversing raspberries reverberated around the room to another raspberry beat. Sebastian nodded and appeared very pleased as the backward raspberry volume increased.
Both Josh and Tingle covered their mouths and shook with laughter at the sucky raspberry sounds. Their parents’ reaction was hilarious because they just sat shaking their heads in disbelief. As the tune continued it became so rhythmic that it made Tingle and Josh wiggle to the tune.
‘We already took the time and reversed the raspberry rhapsody. Oh what backward raspberry-filled-fun! It is time for the pre-Stinktacular! Build up! Boooom!’ he exclaimed looking tremendously thrilled. He waved his staff in circles until a vortex of light spun from the ceiling, like a whirlwind descending. ‘Phase two my Stinking lovelies and it is time to deliver your best version of your songs. We will have you sing each song as it was; however, the reversal will be in the order that you sang and you will dance backwards! Do you understand?’ asked Sebastian skipping backwards about the dancefloor.
The funny Little Stinkers squeaked and grunted their approval. Before anyone could sing the Cheeky Reekies, landed like spaceships.
‘They didn’t sing,’ said Josh.
‘The first time round they shook and took off like rockets. I think they have to land for it to be the opposite of before,’ replied Tingle watching all the creatures gently landing and then chuckle as all the smoke disappeared from around them and back into where it had come from.
Sebastian glanced around, there was one particular creature he needed for the backward proceedings. The line of duck-billed-splatter-pus plopped along as they walked backwards, low to the ground with their duck-like beaks and chunky little bodies. The first thing they did was look up because a huge wobbling bubble lurked by the chandelier on the ceiling. The duck-billed-splatter-pus formed a pyramid and made a series of quacks to the music and each looked a little bit concerned as the huge bubble descended from the ceiling, divided up into smaller bubbles and returned to its origins. There were a few surprised quacks; however, the duck-billed-splatter-pus had a song to sing and professionalism was necessary. So they dismounted and propelled themselves backwards across the floor on their bellies sucking in any remaining bubbles. Of course all of those bubbles were sucked from the air back into their bottoms. It was as if each duck-billed-splatter-pus had become a duck-billed-splatter-pus bubble vacuum sucker.
‘With a bubble and a pop we can’t make our bottoms stop… La la laaaaaa.’ The duck-billed- splatter-pus all turned on their bellies in formation and a stream of bubbles sucked back into their bottoms like a bubble capturing device. ‘When you see a bottom bubble it’s a sign of Pongy Trouble la la laaaaa…’ The duck-billed-splatter-pus spun the other way and another whirl of bubbles were sucked down from the ceiling. ‘From the deep our bottom bubbles will make you weep! La la laaaaaa!’ With that the duck-billed-splatter-pus propelled themselves to the edge of the dancefloor and made a final quack! ‘KcauQ!’ they said.
‘That was funny,’ whispered Josh.
‘Watch the Smog Sprouters,’ said Tingle with a thrilled tone.
The Smog Sprouters waddled in reverse to the centre of the floor with their flappy penguin bodies and husky heads. ‘Time to make a pong for a stinkathon… La la laaa.’ Slapping the ground with their wings they all made a circle backwards. ‘Before we start we will make stink an art la la laaaaaaaaaaa!’ They all then waddled rear-ily to the edge of the dancefloor to make way for the Gross Grunters. The Gross Grunters looked like they had a constant smell under their noses. That was because this time the strain on their face revealed they were remembering their song while having to walk the wrong way. The group of grumpy strong voices erupted and… ‘Laaaaa Laaaaa laaaa – one gross guff and you have had enough la la laaaa,’ they sang in crotchety voices that sounded bad tempered. ‘It can be tough when you smell a giant guff… La la laaaa laaaa,’ wearily they plodded to the edge of the dancefloor realising that was their last grumpy performance for the world.
The Dancey Doom Dunkers made the room fall silent as the creatures with eight legs side danced backwards onto the dancefloor. As they arrived another beat filled the room and together they all made a rhythmic sound. The beautiful patterns of glass beads on their bodies caught the light as they prepared to sing. They all glanced at each other with their large, dark shiny eyes. They intended to give their best backward performance ever! They formed a circle and began to tap four of their legs to the beat and the rest of their legs they used to dance. They lifted their four arms to look like cactus arms as they prepared to sing. An ‘Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo’ sound resonated in different harmonies. ‘Moooooooooooooooooooooood oh stinky Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooood La la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. ‘It’s so funky and so doom dunky… La laaa laaaa.’ The group danced in a circle backwards and reversed to the edge of the dancefloor and took a bow.
‘Oh I saw what you did there!’ Sebastian cried with delight. ‘Doom backwards Clever! Very clever!’
Sebastian made a clap of delight. With another theatrical spin, he waved at the room. The Whiff Warblers jumped backwards and landed with a huge squelch. Their frog heads with those lovely big throaty bubbles were warble ready after a huge ‘Squishhhhhhhhhhhhhhy!’ landing sound. The Whiff Warblers lined up with their great bubbly throats expanded. After three seconds they gurgled and popped together until they reached a high-pitched whiff-filled warble. ‘With a gurgle and a pop no stink will stop… La la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! With a squelch and a squish the smell of rotting fish la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.’
Sebastian made a backstroke swimming motion around the dancefloor while pretending to be a goldfish.
‘Warble, warble, belch and bubble our bad smell will cause whiffy trouble… La laaa laaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ The Whiff Warblers warbled together and looked very proud of themselves.
Sebastian burst with excitement as a mass of rolling armadillo-like creatures sped backwards to the centre of the dancefloor. They rolled in perfect backward formation to a central position and in one united clicking sound they unfurled. They all rose as one and the new beat began.
Josh stood on his chair and could not help but dance.
The armadillo unfurling started the stomping sound like a drum beat. A moment later a trumpet sounded from each of the Tangy Twerpers’ trunks. ‘Tang-a-lang a stink we will make you blink la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Tang-a-lang-a henge we seek stink revenge la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.’ The Tangy Twerpers quickly curled up and rolled backwards to the edge of the dancefloor to make way for a mass of slimy creatures, with sloth faces and dragon’s bodies. They oozed backwards to the centre of the room and began to drool.
‘Ah the Dastardly Droolers,’ John said, he still didn’t like them or their slithery and whispery voices. ‘With a slither and a slime we create a stinking crime… La laaaaaaaaaaaaaa! La laaaaa,’
‘Using our drool we create the perfect pongy pool la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’
As the Dastardly Droolers slimed the floor in reverse, the Pump-kins, with heads like beavers and big teeth, descended from high up in the room. They undulated through space with long worm-like tentacles but this time they went in the opposite direction. With every propulsion a small Pump-kin appeared in the air and returned to the creature it belonged to.
‘Whooosh, whoosh, woooosh with a Pump-kin push la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ It was as if a whole shoal of jellyfish with beaver heads undulated backwards sucking in a harmony of inky bad smells.
‘Pizazz!’ Sebastian whispered under his breath and flicking his fingers out from his palms. ‘Piiiiizaaaaaaaazzz!’
‘With more flow our stink can grow la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ The Pump-kins made a full circle and made their way back to the edge of the dancefloor. They made space for the next squeaky performers.
‘Squeaky, squeaky oh so sneaky La la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ The Sneaky Squeakies were full of squeak. They energetically flapped their fur wings and sang as loudly as they could in their small, cute and rodent-like way. ‘La la laaaaaa Sneaky Squeaky and oh so freaky la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ They all wriggled and writhed in time with each other, knowing it was their last chance to squeak before the world.
The original first group, and now the last group – the Hippobottymous, wobbled backwards onto the dancefloor. Their wobbly bottoms filled the screen as they moon-walked to the centre of the dancefloor. They all lined up with their bottoms poised. Each Hippobottymous arranged one bottom cheek higher than the other and… ‘La la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….’ In time they waved their bottoms and began to sing in a deep baritone… ‘Laaaa la laaaaaaaaaaaaa. La la laaaaaaaaaaaa. Bottomy bonanza an extravaganza… La laaaaa laaaa!’
The Laaaaa-ing faded out and Sebastian waved his magical staff and glanced through the portal that revealed the outside world. With a huge smile he made his Supreme Stench announcement without being seen. ‘Now there you have it – one Super Stink or one Supreme Stench reversed. Now before you all get excited and cheery, there are plenty more bad smells where that giant pong came from. I suggest you appreciate fresh air and don’t ridicule people who simply want to make the world a better place. You all now know what is possible, so I suggest you plant some trees to keep your air fresh. Thank you and that was the Odorous Opera, the Symphony of Stink and a Raspberry Rhapsody all brought to you by the Supreme Stench. Goodbye.’ With that, Sebastian waved his staff and the world’s televisions, mobile phones and every screen worldwide returned to their usual channels. It was as if nothing had ever happened and life returned to normal.
When it was all over Josh began to clap.
‘Mister Stinkworthy, those smells are now hanging in space. Does that mean aliens will smell them?’ Tingle asked.
‘I hadn’t thought of that,’ Sebastian replied. It wasn’t a good first impression for anyone coming to visit the planet from outer space.
‘So essentially there is now one giant stink surrounding the planet,’ said John with a grin. Strangely he found that idea quite entertaining.
‘Possibly,’ Sebastian answered.